Vent.

I've been a crappy blogger for a while now....
so I decided to be better now. yay me!
but for right now, today, I just need to vent,
and maybe tomorrow I will get to my adventures in Texas.

I'm not a super open person. I'm not one of those super funny people. I have never had a ton of friends and been the one everyone loves to hang out with. I've had a tough life. I hope I'm not being pitiful... but this is my blog, and I don't vent very much, so I just need to. I miss my family and friends. I miss all the people I KNOW care and love me. those people you can just go spend your whole day with and you know you won't be a bother to them. I miss my best friends, I love Shan so much. He is everything to me and we have so much fun together and he's one of the only people I can talk to about my mom, but he's gone for 11 or 12 hours in the day. I love all of the wives here. It's been the first time since my freshman year in college when I lived with Cait and Bri that I've had girl talk. but part of me feels like I'm trying to hard to be friends with people and be this great person but I'm not.

I really miss my mom. Her caring and understanding me.
I feel like these past couple weeks I've dwelled so much on her being gone. I haven't had this much time to just think about her since she's been gone. I've always been so busy with school or hanging out or work that I haven't been able to just think for a little bit. and being here in Texas, only hanging out with the wives a little here and there and then Shannon being gone all day everyday... It's just given me a lot of time to just think. and I think a lot. Some of the other wives are newlyweds just like me, and they always talk about stuff that they talked about that day with their mom on the phone. which is awesome! I love that! but it just makes me miss her even more and wish she was here because she was so great. she was the best mom, so funny, so understanding, so loving and compassionate. I hope so much to be the person and mother that she was. She worked so hard to provide for us four kids, and I just wish she was here to talk to. I feel like I've become such a closed person. Am I a depressed or negative person? no. I just am having one of those days... or weeks... haha. I just am not use to having so much time to myself and I feel like ever since my mom died, I just never coped with it, I just brushed it off. and it's just hit me this summer.

I was writing in my journal the other day. I hadn't written in it in a long long time. and I was writing about being married to shannon and my thoughts about him. He is the best person and husband. I know with all my heart that he was sent to me from Heavenly Father. I've always thought that there is more than one right person out there for you, but I feel like no one could be as perfect for me as Shannon is. I always wanted my mama's approval on the guy I was going to marry. Not that it would sway my decision, but just to know that she was proud of me with my choice and loved him. So when she died, it was really hard to know she wouldn't be at my graduation, or my wedding, or having a baby, or any of those special moments you just expect a mother to be there for to comfort you. It was hard to know I wouldn't get her approval. But as soon as I started dating Shannon, I get a text from one of my best friends, Emily's mom. I respect Em's family so much and we've been best friends since jr high and I feel such a closeness to that family. So her mom texted me and told me she had heard about Shannon and I dating and she had said to me. "Kristi! I heard you're dating Shannon. He is such a great guy and as soon as I heard you were dating him, I got this really good feeling about it and I just had the impression to let you know." It was something along those lines. and at the time it just made me feel good. but as I was writing in my journal last week, I realized that I know that was my mom sending a message through her to let me know she loves me and approves of Shannon and is proud of me and the choices I've been making. but anyway... I'm grateful for my whole family and how close I've gotten with my siblings over this past year. Especially with my sister, Dyan. I look up to her and respect her so much. We never ever got along up until I started dating Shannon and now we're so much closer. I know my mom is so happy about that because us siblings had a tough life getting along with each other and now that we're coming together, I know my mom is just crying tears of joy. and that's all I ever want to do is make her proud and make her happy and just give back to her what I didn't do for her in this life.

I'm grateful for the friends I've made here in Texas. Especially Arielle and Jaynee. I hope that I can get closer to them and make some amazing friends that are married that will becoming a lasting friendship.

I hope Heavenly Father is proud of me. I love him and try to live my life showing that.

this post was ridiculously random and I jumped from one thing to another... but it's just what I've been thinking about. but I feel a lot better now that my vent has been typed out.

Well. that's all for now.
by the way, I promise I love Texas. it is a breath of fresh air with LOTS of green and deer in people's front lawns and squirrels running around. I love it I love it I love it. just needed to throw a hint of positivity into this post. :)