To My Mom

I'm pretty sure most of my posts on here mention my mom or are about her. But that is when I feel like putting down my feelings the most. I actually meant to post about being pregnant and all that fun stuff today, but I will get to that this week hopefully.

With working full time, now being pregnant, and trying to get all errands and responsibilities done during the week, I feel like I just get so caught up in it all that I don't sit and really ponder about life and about mom. Of course, without fail, there is not a day that goes by where I don't at least think about her though. Well, my brother, Parker, emailed me all the emails she would send out to everyone for the first year she was diagnosed with breast cancer and her journey through it. I don't remember ever reading them, because at the time I was only 15 years old, and I doubt I even had email at that time. But nonetheless, for the first time I read all of her entries tonight. I have not been this emotional in a while. I feel so so vulnerable when crying or wanting my mom, so I always end up going to a room to be alone whenever I really miss her (basically for the bawl fest) and because I know there is nothing anyone can do about it, so why cry and complain to someone about it.

Anyway, part of me wishes I didn't read all the entries and part of me is so glad that I did, because it gives me so much more respect for my mom than I already had. I knew she hurt and it was probably two of the hardest years in her life, but she rarely ever showed her pain and suffering to me. I wish I could have been older so I could've understood and been more receptive to her needs rather than being a selfish teenager, which I get that's not an excuse, but it is hard knowing I didn't do all I could for her.

Here are just a few of the posts that I love so much...
June 17, 2006- An amazing thing just happened.  The doorbell rang.  I opened the door and standing there was a group of people(men, women, youth) from my church all standing there with a rose.  My ward does service projects quarterly and I thought, “Oh, that’s nice, they are doing a service project and they’re going to plant flowers in my yard.”   Then I took a second look and they were all standing there (with Parker and Kristi in the front) with shaved heads… that’s when it hit me (oh… and let me clarify… the girls still had their lovely locks).  These men and boys had shaven their heads with love and in support of what I was going through.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude.  My soul was touched deeply.  I have been having anxiety attacks in anticipation of going in again for my second dose of chemo next Wednesday (06.21.)  I cannot tell you the courage that has given me to continue this fight. Thank you ALL for you love, support, prayers, friendship, and service.  You don’t know how much that assists me in this experience I’m having. Thank you and God bless you. - Cyd

September 13, 2006- I’M DONE!!!!  I had my last chemo treatment today!!!  I still get to go back in on Friday for my shot which is a real kick in the butt, but the chemo is ovahhhh. My doctor and nurse told me something today… I think they were waiting until ‘the end’ and didn’t tell me this when I first started the treatments so I wouldn’t get psyched out. My nurse said of all the chemos, she thinks this is the hardest to take. My doctor said that most of his patients that get this chemo don’t make it… not that they died, they just quit and change to a different type.  I knew his last patient quit after the second dose.  I was considering stopping at #4 (actually, I wanted to stop after the first) but I was wondering if it possibly could have done it’s job after 4 and maybe I wouldn’t have to get any more. It had reached the point when I couldn’t keep my eyes open during the treatments.  Not that I fell asleep, but I couldn’t watch the “stuff” going into my body… it was devastating.  It didn’t matter anyway.  Even though I didn’t watch the nurse change the bags or shoot other stuff into the IV, I knew when it happened because I could feel it and taste it.  NASTY. 
Anyway, today, as my eyes were closed, I could feel/see my mom and dad there with me… with their arms around me and with them were many angels.  AND I have MANY angels on this side… YOU… I don’t think I could do this without your many, many, many prayers and your love and your support.  You have all truly been a rock… always there for me whether in person or through thought or prayer.  THANK YOU. - Cyd

Those are just a couple of times where it shows her positivity. She always said how blessed she was. She never asked, "why me?" She was a rock through the whole thing. I know she will always be with me in spirit, but there isn't a day I wish I could just talk to her and share all the experiences I am having. I want to talk to her about me being pregnant, about how it is living in Utah, how it is working as an RN, etc..

I love and miss her so so much. She would be turning 50 this month. No doubt she is partying with all the family and friends on the other side. And I can not believe this April, it will be 5 years since she's passed away. SO much has happened in the past 5 years, and I have been so blessed with an amazing husband who supports and loves me more than I could've ever dreamed of- my mom would have loved him so much, I just know it. I've been blessed with the family I married into. Always wanting younger siblings and I was blessed with that, having an equally amazing mother in law as my mom, and having a righteous and great father in law who is a strong priesthood holder. I've been blessed to have an education and be able to work full time to help support Shan and myself. And I have always been blessed to have amazing siblings and extended family members on my mom's side who have been so supportive through my whole life. I know this is a super long post and if you read even half of this, wow. Props to you. I just wanted to put my feelings out there, more for myself than for anyone else. I love you mom and there is nothing more in the world than to be able to talk to you. MUAH!! xoxo.