With working full time, now being pregnant, and trying to get all errands and responsibilities done during the week, I feel like I just get so caught up in it all that I don't sit and really ponder about life and about mom. Of course, without fail, there is not a day that goes by where I don't at least think about her though. Well, my brother, Parker, emailed me all the emails she would send out to everyone for the first year she was diagnosed with breast cancer and her journey through it. I don't remember ever reading them, because at the time I was only 15 years old, and I doubt I even had email at that time. But nonetheless, for the first time I read all of her entries tonight. I have not been this emotional in a while. I feel so so vulnerable when crying or wanting my mom, so I always end up going to a room to be alone whenever I really miss her (basically for the bawl fest) and because I know there is nothing anyone can do about it, so why cry and complain to someone about it.
Anyway, part of me wishes I didn't read all the entries and part of me is so glad that I did, because it gives me so much more respect for my mom than I already had. I knew she hurt and it was probably two of the hardest years in her life, but she rarely ever showed her pain and suffering to me. I wish I could have been older so I could've understood and been more receptive to her needs rather than being a selfish teenager, which I get that's not an excuse, but it is hard knowing I didn't do all I could for her.
Here are just a few of the posts that I love so much...
June 17, 2006- An amazing thing just happened. The doorbell rang. I opened the door and standing there was a group of people(men, women, youth) from my church all standing there with a rose. My ward does service projects quarterly and I thought, “Oh, that’s nice, they are doing a service project and they’re going to plant flowers in my yard.” Then I took a second look and they were all standing there (with Parker and Kristi in the front) with shaved heads… that’s when it hit me (oh… and let me clarify… the girls still had their lovely locks). These men and boys had shaven their heads with love and in support of what I was going through. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. My soul was touched deeply. I have been having anxiety attacks in anticipation of going in again for my second dose of chemo next Wednesday (06.21.) I cannot tell you the courage that has given me to continue this fight. Thank you ALL for you love, support, prayers, friendship, and service. You don’t know how much that assists me in this experience I’m having. Thank you and God bless you. - Cyd